Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Look What You Made Me Do (Part 1)

This was originally published on December 11, 2018 @  Redheaded Writing Hood I

Mohamad on my porch.........

 I'm sorry the old Susan can't come to the phone right now.....

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

 Psalm 27:1-2

I have not blogged in over a year. I've been abit disillusioned I guess. Not just with people  but with MYSELF too. I've also been  busy doing Airbnb: This is a website and App where you can rent out spaces in your home or elsewhere if you own them or your lease allows.

So my recent beau doesn't like Taylor Swift  and is partial to Adele who "just walks" in her videos. (It's fine but kinda boring) I guess he didn't approve of Taylor's sexiness. It's not Okay -but being deceptive and manipulative so you can get a green card (and hopefully a threesome?!) is perfectly OKAY.

I actually was showing him my favorite video of hers right now. She sure is looking super sexy in the begining of "Look What You made Me Do" hahahaha Zombie Taylor!

 I don't like your games....

The role you made me play
Of the fool, no, I don't like you

But when it comes to lyrics I'm really not partial to just ONE artist:

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay you bare
See how I leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do.....Adele

Am I really going to post this?! Yep I am! It's God who makes me FEARLESS. I'll SPEAK NOW or forever hold my peace! Cause I don't give a damn about my REPUTATION!

What a sad, beautiful, tragic love affair I had in August with this Beau! I was in a down mood, just finally had my divorce mediation after 4 and a half years! And what TIMING, there just happens to be a tall dark mysterious handsome stranger renting a room in my house for the month! I'm now 40K in credit card debt (It doubled because of the mediation)- just drove across the country by myself!!!!  I was exahausted and my finances were completely drained. I'm like "God I don't want to do this anymore!" I had wanted one of my kids to go to California with me- my youngest or my younger son but it wasn't to be and turned out to be for the best since I was traveling on limited funds.

I've discovered what matters most is TRUTH. Jesus is called the Truth in the Bible. I strive to always tell the truth but I've also discovered that that even when you do that it doesn't mean people will believe you!

I told my beau "I'm 51 years old and had two men!" But he didn't believe me, he pretended to though. Since I said I was raped he got me a home HIV test. That's "normal" right? To get your "good friend" you just met three weeks ago! The second man I'd ever "been" with lied, mislead, manipulated and date raped me August 27, 2017. I met him on Zoosk. His name is Charles and he's a Police lieutenant in Quitman Georgia. Oh no she didn't!? YES I DID! I'm so sick of being PLAYED. He said I could come to his "nice house" (It's a dump actually) and sleep! We were to watch a movie but conviently his DVD player didn't work! I know, I know, I was an idiot! A NAIVE IDIOT! I took my medicine which puts me to sleep and got in bed with all my clothes on! Really! He said I could sleep in the spare room and I should have went in there and locked the door! I even took my dog with me! What a big help- all 11lbs of her! I had went to see my sons at college and got into an argumment (again) with my oldest son. So I was a mess and sick of living in a house full of baby memories 4 of my 5 kids having been born while we lived in this house where I was now imprisioned. Not being able to find a "real" job was further demoralizing me. And now I was struggling just to get these kids I felt I poured my whole life into to just spend some time with me!? So I was lonely and acted STUPIDLY.

This man kept waking me up and at one point I cried, asking him to stop, I'd go to sleep and he'd wake me up again til finally I just let him finish and left and I couldn't even drive all the way (2 hour drive) home but had to stop to sleep. Then I blocked him on Zoosk and my phone, I couldn't even bear to meet anyone else with that dating app I canceled it before my subscription was over. I also didn't date again until a year later when I (accidentally) fell in love with this goreous, sweet, perfect foriegn medical student who lived in my house for a month. But he didn't love me- he was a great actor though! At one point I just declared, "Where did you come from?" He replied (In that sexy accent) "My mother's womb"

I will now affectionately call these men: Thing 1 (Who is "Pop" the exhusband) Best lover of them all BTW God is right COMMITTED SEX IS BEST! Thing 2 is the lieutenant in Quitman: Worst lover of the three! If the only way you can get sex is to steal it? That's pretty bad. Thing 3 is who I'm speaking of mostly here cause he's still on my mind: The smell of his Axe fresh in the ofactories and his Tide pods and Air fresheners he got me hooked on. This guy was all about smelling good and I so loved making him laugh, like when I was lying in his arms and declared "Even your armpits smell good!" AND Thing 3 and I didn't have sex until right before he left- he wasn't after sex and he is very SMART, he was after a green card so he acted very valiantly like he wasn't after just one thing! His words were "That's just using you" lol It was just something else he wanted to use me for! It ended up being August 27 which was another "red flag" the same day I was raped! (The year before) I wasn't raped but I was lied to and played yet again. I now think because of certain details I've not disclosed here that he's quite possible gay.

Salute to me, I'm an American queen......

"hahahahahaha" is a great answer when your a foreigner and wondering "What the hell is this crazy woman talking about?" Thing 3 lives in a very oppressed country where you can't even be any other religion but one. It's not just the women, they are all oppressed in this country! The women are the most oppressed but none of them are free! Watch out for those "Religious Police" Two young beautiful women recently drown themselves in the Hudson River because they didn't want to return there! So sad! It's no wonders this man is so sexually oppressed he needs to come to America to....Well there's also Bahrain but this is ridiculous! I really don't agree with this over sexed American culture but young men shouldn't have to go to sex trafficked prostitutes in another country to have sex!

The M is for Jesus Who is the MESSIAH! MERRY CHRISTMAS! Also for Missions, possibly Mexico and I still want to become a Minister! And I love M &Ms!

I've been spending the last four years
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in August I watched it begin again......

Don't blame me, love made me crazy
If it doesn't, you ain't doing it right
Lord, save me, my drug is my baby
I'll be using for the rest of my life

                My ex called me fat. He called me protein . Sweet and funny, "Handsome, you're a mansion with a view"......Totally Iressistble! He said he loved the way I spoke about my children- how much I loved them. I told him I was sooooo happy cause I was in love he said, "I pray you are always happy" He would say, "I'm getting old" I said "How old are you now 30?" I said "I've been here since before you were born" I wrote in my journal that I was "gone" OMG I was totally freaking out- (It was crazy and wonderful at the same time) messaging friends to pray for me who were going through their own more serious issues (Like cancer) How can I avoid this man? He's living in my house for a month! He seems perfectly content to message me every night (til late) from his room, watch movies with me on the weekend, take me out to eat, listen to my stupid stories....I even apologized for talking so much about my ex! My bad! He replied, 'You were with him for 30 years, so it's understandable" Why is he so nice? He's smells so good and he's so handsome! Shit: Lord Help!

I thought heaven can't help me now
Nothing lasts forever
But this is gonna take me down
He's so tall, and handsome as hell
I thought he was good but
He's so bad but he does it so well

Earlier this year I had something in my mind when I woke up- this is a way God speaks to me sometimes: It was "The Girl On The Trian" Hmmmmm? Weird? I did not know what it meant until recently. I even saw the book used somewhere and picked it up but never read it. I'd probably get the movie sometime, to figure this mystery out......It ended up being the first movie we watched together. He said he liked it but he didn't know why. I do.....Red Flag #1 (Which I ignored) Terribly sad movie! Full of dysfunction, sex, murder and manipulation! Three women are abused in it and one of them dies!

 He called me an "Evil Redhead" like I seduced him and I've never been called evil in my whole life! I know it's a line but I like to be called an "Angel". He kept going on and on about a guest I had and a girl who worked at Chick Fil A -until it just got creepy and made me mad. It was funny for alittle and I encouraged it and made it worse. He also relentlessly joked about me being gay until that too was not funny anymore! I loved him and he led me on and let me down. He was very infequent with the messages by the end of October. He had left September 2nd. He never said he loved me, he just did and said things that made me think he did. I finally (Mid Nov.) sent him a message saying I was just "there" and that's why it happened, could've been any of those others and I said I think he wanted it to be two of us.

 Stay here, honey, I don't wanna share!

We had also "joked" alot about the harem because in that most wonderful country (WHERE HE NEEDS TO STAY) men are allowed to have up to 4 wives! Once he joked that I could pick the others!!!! LOL Yeah IN YOUR DREAMS MAN! I finally WOKE UP because he responded overly offended and focused only on "these accusations" THIS WAS THE FIRST I EVER SUSPECTED HIM SERIOUSLY OF BEING DECEPTIVE. Then he just said my accusations were baseless and illogical but they were'nt. I had also said I still loved him and that he was wonderful but first all he focused on were the accusations.

He said: I think I'm understanding why my friends tell me i am too nice sometimes
It seems when you be nice to others they believe that the only possiblity is because you have a wicked goal behind it

Then he said he wouldn't even address the accusations and thanked me for all the nice words and said he truly wished me the best of luck in my life! Wow! I was astounded and heart-broken! This was someone I thought might show up in October and ask me to marry him! And I was gona say yes!  

I wrote him a message I didn't send because I was so shocked and heart broken. I wanted to address what he said about being "Too nice" :

AND furthermore don't worry AT ALL about being TOO NICE! I thought you didn't say anything to your friends about me anyways? This does not apply in this situation in any way.

I was not accusing you of being nice to achieve wicked intentions or goals. What you were doing was being DECEPTIVE and I'm still unsure as to why. I guess I perhaps thought you were trying to let me down easy but to me what you did was lead me on- making me think you wanted to stay in my life when you didn't. :-(

Because I seriously doubt you were ever nice to others in the way you were to me. I certainly hope not. The things you said and did for me made me feel loved and accepted and like someone you wanted to keep in your life.
 For instance:
1You researched the safety of giving blood plasma- even said you were being "fatherly" What the heck?!
2 You spent 45$ on an HIV test for me (Because of the rape)
3 You let me have 120$ for my cruise payment
4. You bought me food took me to eat etc. and watched movies with me
5 When you left I was trying to prepare myself for the worst, then you said "See you in a couple months" You kept in touch and apologized when you weren't keeping in touch
6 You kept saying things like "I pray you are always happy" etc.
7 You told me you might be here in October at which time you also said you were so glad I was making money (Driving for Lyft) and surrounded by good people (New Airbnb guests)
8 You told me you'd be here in January and said you'd keep me updated
9 You kept showing an interest in my life until you abruptly stopped

November 18, 2018 (Journal)

Lord, I am sad :-( I miss him. I enjoyed all our time in my delusion., thinking he cared. It's just like with Pop. I'm GLAD I didn't realize it. I was happy all of August and mostly for the 27 years with my ex- wait no I wasn't but sometimes I was- I wasn't miserable the whole time.

But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time
Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time
I've got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!

I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me
I'll be the one starring in your bad dreams!

Oops...Did I post that? Do you know this man? 'Cause I seriously have no idea who he is.

Ask me if I hate you NOW.......

 I don't regret it one bit, 'cause he had it coming

I wrote a continuation here Coffee, Contact Paper and Chick-Fil-A Leaves Me Cynical and Celibate!

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Say you'll remember me
Standing in a white dress
Staring at the full moon
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again
Even if it's just pretend.....

I'm perfectly fine, I live on my own
I made up my mind, I'm better off being alone...

 I wrote these after Thing 2 raped me:

back to yesterday
If only If only!
I could go back to yesterday
It seems so far away
Before my mistake,
Let them eat cake,
Before the phone calls,
One too many long drives,
How can I survive?
Please help me Lord!
Wash me with hyssop
And I shall be clean,
Whiter than snow
Why did I go
The hardest thing is
To forgive myself!

The Player
You said I'd write a poem about you,
You were right about that too,
The player only loves you when he's playin'
He's a smooth operator,
Cool as can be,
With his cologne, jeans and cowboy boots
He lures you into his trap
Sweet as heck,
He says you can sleep,
But no, he makes you feel cheap,
Yes he's a smooth operator,
Like a spider crawling across the floor,
Better hurry out the door,
Before you end up on the floor,
he has a gun,
out out dam spot
The Blood will run,
But that's His blood
It cleanses every sin and stain,
Oh the blood of Jesus!
It washes me white as snow.....

The Lieutenant
I was innocent, naive and trusting
Now I'm cynical, shrewd
And busting heads!
I am so mad!!!!
At you and myself
I was trying to keep myself pure!
Til that evil man lured me into his trap
Oh snap!
Look what you made me do! 

 Wrote these recently:

When one door closes,
God opens a window-
And I jumped out of it!
And like a cat:
I land on my feet!
I've got 9 Lives!
let's jo!
Are you ready for adventure?

About Thing 3

I'm still in your hand old man,
It's your decision,
Still so scary,
Terrifying even,
But I'm a brave woman these days,
A confident one,
A strong one,
Thank-you very much!
I'll be Okay
Either way,
Come what may,
No turning back...
Because ultimately I know;
We're all in His hands.....

Tonight I saw the full moon
And cursed you-
Every time I see it-
I'll think of you-
And in the daylight, the doughnuts and cheeseballs!
CVS where we got the contact paper
There's a grasshopper and a wasp,
Coffee or tea?
And just like that
You axe me?
I knew you were too good to be true-
And now I'm blue :-(
But I still miss you....

That evil angel Redhead,
You'll never forget her,
And her crazy tease,
She's simply irresistible
Her loving is unstoppable,
She'll follow you forever,
And haunt your dreams.
2 personalities for one!
She's unpredictable-
Too unselfish to marry you
you young thing-
She'll wait til your child bearing wife comes
Oops- she didn't even suspect you just wanted your green card!
But no it's a RED CARD for you!
get outta my country man!
Sorry- Not sorry

The waiting
There grows a vine and there's an empty bottle of wine
At his house but not mine
I'd invite him in
But I've made up my mind
To be pure
Stay away from that ledge!
No more cliff hanging!
I'm not even dating
Cause that always leads to mating
And I'm waiting!

Blessed are the pure in heart, For they shall see God. Matthew 5:8

Keep your eyes open, My love!
God has so much for you Christian!
And you're just throwing it away-
Going on your stubborn way.
When if you'd keep your focus on Me-
There's so much that you would see-
But where'd you throw your purity?
Get it back- so you can see!
If you ask you will receive
And your purity retrieve
There's the fire,
There's that spark
You know I’ll never let you fall apart
Now Keep your eyes open, My love

Inspired by a internet dating site question: I put it in my blog post: Me Too!

My perfect match?
It's simple really,
He must love Jesus,
He must love children,
He must love dogs,
He must love Switchfoot AND Taylor!,
& he must love me!
And be an American!

Thank you very much!

For these poems and more look for my upcoming book , RED: Redeemed- Equipped-Delivered

Coffee, Contact Paper and Chick-Fil-A leaves Me Cynical and Celibate! (Part 2)

 This was posted originally on February 11, 2019 Redheaded Writing Hood I

Mohamad aka Green Card guy on my porch

Listen carefully: I am sending you out like sheep among wolves; so be wise as serpents, and innocent as doves Matthew 10:16

This is Part 2 of Look What You Made Me Do

 What then shall we say to all these things? If God is for us, who can be [successful] against us? Who shall ever separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? For I am convinced [and continue to be convinced—beyond any doubt] that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present and threatening, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the [unlimited] love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:31,35,38-39

So I think my latest blog post Look What You Made Me Do has created a little bit of a stir. Also just me speaking out on my social media too: For example I said recently:

 I've been used, neglected, abused and bullied for my entire life. I am so done with Crap! I will NOT tolerate disrespect anymore!      

The first negative comment I recieved was disheartening to say the least. She said "Never trust an Arab or an Indian- they don't respect women" Very prejudice and stereotypical, not the point I was trying to make at all! There are plenty of white men who you shouldn't trust and don't respect women either! And plenty of white women who are toxic and negative (and perhaps jealous?) who I don't want to be friends with! I PURPOSELY left the race of the rapist out because of ignorant views such as this. Then I had my sister who accused me of being a hoe (Great way to make amends!). Poor Mohamad blocked me but he may find out soon as that  Rock Singer did that I'm NOT the craziest redhead he has to deal with! She stalked us both on Twitter with a fake account she made! 

I also PURPOSELY  didn't make excuses for my sin but I am explaining it more here, it was not a snap decision but it was wrong and I apologized to Mohamad (Green Card guy) about it, way before I found out the relationship was fake. Then my daughter's mother-in-law said I needed to stand up to the assholes and quit whining about them on facebook. This is how I stand up to assholes: I write the truth about them. The PEN is mightier than the sword! Such compassionate responses to me sharing that I was raped and almost duped into a fake marriage- Thank you so much! I'll say whatever I want on my facebook and blog- noone makes you read it-get your own life and leave me alone! These were precisely the responses that have caused me to fear sharing my stories and the old Susan would have buried them deep and let them eat her alive!

But the old Susan can't come to the phone right now!  

Some things happened that caused me to (SUMMON THE COURAGE TO) write that blog post, so let me tell you about that. In that blog post I shared about what happened to me when I tried a dating app in 2017. I didn't realize it was "date rape" until later- I felt I should and would write about it eventually, although I didn't want to. I thought I should wait until my divorce was final which just happened in September of 2018. I would not seek to press charges but I won't be shamed into shutting up either! That was the second man I had sex with! Before that man tricked me into having sex with him I had only been with my husband who is now my ex- husband. And yes I am serious. In the future I may do a whole blog post on shame but for now I'm explaining what lead to me to write Look What You Made Me Do in December. 

I felt that the lieutenant who date raped me and green card guy both may have read my blog and/or my social media to get info on how to fool me, I don't know that they did but it is a definite possiblility. Green card guy was here for the month of August and he left September 2nd (He said he went back to his oppressed country but I'm not really sure about anything he said anymore) we kept in touch daily at first but then it tapered off and he had said he'd see me when he returned which he said would be "in a couple months" January then he said possibly in the month of October. I actually broke it off myself in November, when I discovered he came to the US in October but didn't tell me, what I also said to him in that message was that I would never want to be in a marriage where a man has more than one wife, and that what happened between us just happened cause I was there, he would have rather it been the guest of mine he kept going on and on about (or the Chick Fil A girl). And one thing he said made me realize it was fake and it totally broke my heart because he said, It was 'weird' that I thought it a possibility (marriage).

 I still don't know which of the things I said to him so offended him because he was never specific but what I think is that he had found another possiblity for a green card or perhaps was getting an internship in another city and was trying to break it off with me without suspicions. 

You break my heart in the blink of an eye.......

I really could not figure out why he went on and on about the other guest, not that she isn't very pretty but he wanted to get me to marry him, right? He did start this after I already told him I was  in love with him though. But that and our differing religions and lastly the age thing where the three biggest deal breakers for me, other than that, wanting a threesome or going overboard to convince me he was a heterosexual, perhaps? Having been so duped I was understandly upset. Then at the end of November I had a large number of "views" on my blog and it said they were in an "unknown region" so (in my frustration and anger) I temporarily took my blog down. I wanted to do something about green card guy! But what? I even had gone to the police already but they just told me to call imigration- where I was put on hold. I googled it. They want you to report fraudulent marriages not people trying to fool you into one. Also I felt I was perhaps coaxed carefully into sex so that I would be shamed into silence if things didn't work out (And THAT is what THIS POST is about) So in December I decided it was time to write about Charles the date rape and Mohamad the green card guy- yeah that's his name!

And here's his picture......Oops....

Some of my recent Facebook posts:

I got stories ya all! I was telling my new guest recently about the Russian guy who slept on my porch! I made him my bar b qued teriyaki chicken and he said my place was "pure joy" his girl friend didn't sleep or eat here! I have no idea where she went- slept in their car perhaps? My Syrian was here then! Now I wonder if he knocked or something? lol And Syrian dude (his room was by the front door) was like "No man this is MY green card girl!" hahahahaha

So my daughter's Monster in law taunted me about him when I wished him a happy birthday on facebook, saying, why don't you just tell us his name, so we all know what an ass he is. That's what the blog post was for. Duh! But his name is Mohamad Okay KIM?

Courage is what it takes to write openly about being duped. This person (Green card Guy) isn't happy about being called out: I just revealed his birthday! I put his photo in my blog post! He's already angry. I said to Amber "If I die you know who it was...." Believe me there's no need to say his name- it may not even be his real name and there are quite a few others with the same name. Not many things I can do. Immigration lets you report fake marriages NOT people trying to fool you into marrying them. So.....I hope it may give others a heads up.

 You know what? I’m cynical about what happened with my guy who wanted his green card but I’m also damn proud of myself! Old SUSAN would’ve still been with him! “Sure honey you poor thing let’s get you outta that oppressed country and war zone....” I broke up with him and he was incredible! Adorable and so attentive especially when he was here but it was all fake! Except his handsomeness lol “Man looks at outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart” God saw his black heart. I prayed! I do it all the time! when he was here: “Lord what the hell is going on!” (Cause I thought it was too good to be true) “Lord can I keep him please please please please!” He answered “I’ll tell you later” and “No I have better things for you”

I have a new Twitter address and I put that word back in my bio: CELIBATE! It says: Single, Sassy, Sexy, Sober, Cynical and Celibate! Spoken Word Poet - Airbnb Superhost

 I admited to sinning in that blog post, yes that's what it was, I had premaritial sex. Now I've had sex with three men, this makes me a hoe right? According to my lovely sister it does. I really think the three women who attacked me because of this post are jealous and well I don't blame them! I had a good time! lol but the "sin" part? It was not until the 27th of August! The last week he was here! Because going out to eat, drinking coffee and tea and watching movies was awesome, nothing wrong with that! And I believe he tricked me into it (I will explain- read on) being so valiant, "I'm not going to do that" "That'd just be using you" This man is SMART! He wined and dined me (Nah no wine neither of us drink- another thing I thought made us so compatable- we're both so religious), refilled my continetial breakfast with granola bars, filled my candy dishes, brought me doughnuts and cheese balls (I LOVE carbs!), took me to Chick-Fil-A HE even refilled my bank account when it was overdrawn! What the heck? Lord, What's going on here? He was adorable and sweet and he 's going to be a doctor! Wow! I stole a picture of him off facebook before med school, he's younger, looks like a movie star......I discovered the thing where you write on the picture, I wrote, TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. LOL Perhaps I was testing him because he would not get mad at me! So I said what just popped into my head. He was making me manic high, I think now (Hindsight is always 20/20). I said, "Hmmmm I wanted someone younger, taller and richer than my ex, you'll do nicely...." OMG How shallow! And he was fine with me saying this? No, I don't think he was, but he PRETENDED TO BE.

Some of my recent Facebook posts:
 The longer I live and more people I meet, the more convinced I am that Jesus is coming soon AND perhaps He's calling me to singleness til then?

 Since I was fooled by a fake who I lived with (and was married to) for 30 years, then almost fooled by a man I lived with for a month -do you think I'm going to trust anyone whose online? Nah "Fool me once- shame on you-fool me twice- shame on me" I KNOW at least for NOW. God has called me to singleness. (It may NOT be forever! Idk -but for NOW it's true!)

The upside of having been lied to so much is I don’t need a lie detector test: I usually know when people are lying and even when I don’t immediately realize it (Like with green card guy) God knows and He has my back. It is super dumb to mess with Gods child. Just sayin Don’t mess with Red!

 So Green Card guy and I would just message back and forth. On August 6th I had my Chick Fil- A interview And my son came over for Chicken Parmesan and they met. My words are RED lol

Good morning! I need the iron and the ironing board if your not using them
Where you able to get them?
I got them out of my room .. sorry I was about to shower and didn't reply earlier
Best of luck!!!
Not sure if you like this type of coffee.. but I made extra in case you want

I left it in the coffee machine
I will try it! Thank- you
It is good! I like it
Oh good good... I tried to make it stronger today
 I made some chicken Parmesan and my son is here if you want to come out and say hello :)
Oh coming shortly to say hi..


On August 10th I actually asked him out! I was donating plasma and messaged him- he declined but we watched "The Girl On The Train" at home- it's so much cozier that way. He wouldn't even sit on the sofa by me which I thought was so respectful at the time. 

Do you want to go with me to eat when I’m done here?
Hmmm... I'm still full from lunch 

do you want to go see a movie??

Hmmm I don't know honestly
I feel lazy X)
I’ll get a red box movie to watch at home then what kind of movies do you like?
Did I just ruin your weekend plans ? I feel bad :/
No I don’t usually do anything so no don’t think that
For the movies...
As long as it has a nice story I guess
I got The Girl on a Train- a murder mystery
Sounds interesting

On August 11th my GA Tech guy broke my famous shower and that ex fixed it for me and I was still offering him pork (Like a dummy):
I made bacon and eggs there’s bagels and toast also
Showers fixed! That ex is good for some thing ;)
Hahah.. Niiice!
Do you want to watch the movie- A Wrinkle In Time?
Sure.. when are you planning to watch it?
In a few minutes 

BTW He did NOT come out to meet the ex! lol

I was excited on August 12th because I had lunch with my daughters, we talked about my youngest landing the Chick Fil A job (While mom didn't). He had read my sign on the fridge that said "Carpe Diem" and asked me what it meant. I also went to church which I do infrequently these days but I went because I knew I was being tempted  so by this guy!

I’m eating lunch with my daughters! It’s a miracle :)

Oh thaaats great news !!!!

You certianly "carpe diem'ed" the day :p
He kept saying sweet things to me all the time. When he said "Kroger" with his sexy accent and it sounded like "Cougar" I said "You know what a "Cougar" is, right?" He said, "No" So I said "it's an older woman with a younger man." He said "What's a man with a younger woman called?" I replied, "They don't get called anything.....Oh wait they call him 'Mr President'" lol
Later I told him how I reschelduled my blood plasma donations so I'd be home when he got there and I called myself a "Good cougar" He replied, "Don't call yourself that" I melted......

He would say everything I cooked was "amazing" even the freezer burned old burgers I gave him the first night! He knew I'd give containers of my good food like chicken parmesan to send to the kids and ex at the big house, so he said, "We get the food fresh" and I downplayed that saying, "Oh he cooks all the time, my son cooks and my daughter makes cupcakes sometimes." So he says, "It takes three people to replace you." This guy!

On August 15th I started driving for Lyft and Uber since I didn't land the Chick Fil A job! It was from then on I drove him to the hospital every weekday morning, he always tipped me and noone else ever did! The one he affectionately called "my doctor" would drive him home, mostly but like I said I question all he said and did now, he may have got a Lyft or Uber back home (Red's Airbnb) sometimes, idk?

You need to activate tips from your account... Some people tip through credit card

Okay thanks

I’m making the chicken pot pie if you want to try it later

Oh.. great ! Thanks

Your welcome

Dinners ready

I'm ready too :p

My Chicken Pot Pie. I make the filling but the crust is just store bought.

He was so persistent in trying to get me to try the Daylight Dounuts (I eventually gave in in more ways than one) he would buy up the street (he'd walk there to get them) and he commented to Brian my other guest that he was trying to "ruin me" OMG He was! And he almost succeeded but not with doughnuts!

Low-carb diets could shorten life, study suggests


Shared from my Google feed
Let's donut
Oh you are trying to ruin me! My diet isn’t that low carb so -no worries! I’ve lost 6 lbs since you got here so I rewarded myself with a cupcake today- ;-) let’s go to Da ichi

 From my journal:

August 16th 2018
It's Mom's 89th birthday

Mama He's Crazy
Mom I'm gone!
What should I do?
I still miss you!
How nice to have someone I can talk to
Tall, Dark and handsome
Will he hold me for ransom?
Mom, I fear he'll ruin me and not with doughnuts like he said,
Wrong age- not so bad
Wrong nationality-
God shows no partiality-
But wrong religion?!
He's not the promised one
Is he Ismael?
Lord help me, I've come undone! 
Perhaps I should run?
But I can't!
We were made to stay...
It's gona be Okay
Come what may
Grace's got you!
He will show me what to do....

And He did!

Darrett is coming now He’s already at his grandmas in town but she’s a hoarder no place to sleep :-)
Oh... We have a new visitor now :p
Need some help?
Yes! Greeting him come out here and talk to me I’m so lonely and now I have three men spending the night at my house lol
Someone is scared

 I ended up giving Darrett a free night because of his cash shortage and knowing his frustration with people who are hoarders. (My exes Mom is one and I also had a friend who is one) I had also recently gave a young man who was doing interviews with WWII combat vets a free night, because I wanted to support his admirable mission (to interview as many of them as possible before they passed)

 That was on August 18th and we watched the movie, "Interstellar" that night:

Hey TARS, what's your honesty parameter?

90 percent.
90 percent?
Absolute honesty isn't always the most diplomatic nor the safest form of communication with emotional beings.
Okay, 90 percent it is.

 That night we messaged and I just told him in my unique Red way! But he started it! TBH I was having so much FUN! To explain about the room I was in then (I have since changed rooms) it has a little bathroom off it with two doors, the second one's doorknob was broke while I was out of town so I was unable to lock it! (The doorknob was actually removed) And he knew this!

Lock your door :p
It is locked but you can come around the other way ;-)
Good info to tell Derrett in case needed :p
Very dependable right ? :p
You are so mean bully!
Did you just hear that? XDD
*creepy music*
Nothing im trying to scare you
I’m so scared ;-)
M: *___*
Oh shit.. I keep on forgetting i have to be nice :/

* cough**cough*

Wish you a good night :)


You are too nice and terrifying! Good night :-)
Hahahahah.. What??? Terrifying? Why XD
I said that I’m not afraid of Darrett and I’m not afraid of Brian because I’m the most afraid of men I’m attracted to- okay that was more that 90% honesty too much huh?
Someone is referencing today's movie
I think Darret is safe too.. I can still hear his shows from here haha
I’d have an easier time of it if you be more of an asshole like most of the men I’ve met lately as it is now I’m going to be so sad when you leave! :(
I will be sad too :/ wish to come here again in the future... But you better give me a discount :p
And... I can't be not nice to you when you are soo nice to everyone
I mean who lets a stranger in her house for free
You just did that yesterday
If you’ll come back you can stay for free- just let me know far enough ahead so no one else books your days :-) XO
Seeeeee???? I'm telling you... You are very nice!
And no... I will make sure I will pay for my stays.. just make me cup cakes when I come XD
Definitely and those other guys got 1 free night because I’m nice yes (as a Christian it’s my job to be charitable) but I offered you a free stay cause I’m crushing on you -dang- I just can’t be less than 90% honest it’s not my nature
True.. People should be nice to each other.. But it is rare to find people nice to all like you. God bless you !
And again.. I refuse to stay for free... I will make sure to pay and not freeload as long as you make me cupcakes
You know.. Im on a highcarb diet XD
Okay :-)

Meanwhile I was telling Mohamad all my stories like about the lieutenant whose DVD player was broke and the date rape. The man in St Louis who drove me to my hotel because I couldn't find my car! lol He begged to come in my hotel room and I wrote a poem about him! 
One Sunday I went to church because I was so slipping and I knew it! I was going to go see my friend's house she finally was kinda settled in but had moved 40 mins away and I really wanted to spend the whole weekend with Mohamad. I was also attempting to get a new drivers bonus with Lyft. I never did drive enough hours to get that! But I thought it so sweet (Why does he care about me making money?) And he made up the bed in the blue room while I was at church! 

I’m coming home not going to my friend's and not driving For Lyft don’t get on my case either! Sunday’s our day of rest. I’ll catch up with Lyft when your at work and after you leave :-) Should I cook you something? Or did you already eat?

Oh.. Why not going?

Hahahah.. Nooo im just trying to push you to drive more lyft as a support cuz i want you to get that 500

I guess I'm not good at supporting XD

For food i was thinking to go to the mexican restaurant later.. Wanna go?

Yes! Mind reading again- so scary!

You made up the bed for me?! How sweet I could kiss you

Now have I scared you? Here’s a kiss X you can come out now XD

I was waiting for the washer so I just tried to make the bed :p

HAHAHAHAHA . I was watching videos on my laptop that's why

Darn it’s not fair! I want to scare you like you scare me lol


August 20th was the day of Pilgrimage to Mecca. I was learning so much about Islam and he was hopefully learning much about Christianity. He fasted that day and I should have also, but I was losing weight by eating less carbs despite his continual sabotage!

I messaged him at the hospital:

How are you feeling? drinking lots of water? When does your fast end?
Nope.. zero water

It ends at 8:15 pm
Thanks for asking
Wow I’m impressed that’s a complete fast I don’t do it that way- better pray for me :-)
And sure thing :)
 He was continually teasing me: I think he knew I was used to it having been the youngest in a family of seven kids and I said my own kids tease me also.
I see you
Where are you going?
No where til later just putting the trash out and recycling in my trunk
Just wanted to creep you out

Very unhealthy way to break a fast though! He walked to the Nuway Weiner but they were closed, so I went to pick him up!

Sooooo the nuway Weiner closes at 8 and I didn't know that
Sooooo.. what shall I get
I’ll come get you we can go to Burger King or Taco Bell

So it was me with three men in the house, then him with three ladies, I called it his harem but he politely let us have our "girl time":

The harem has scared you to bed?
I am giving you ladies your own time
;-) thank you very much
You're welcome :P
Don’t forget to lock your door XD

Don't forget to lock YOUR door
It’s always locked and the other door is always open for you ;-)

So one day, we got to sit around longer in the morning, drinking the wonderful coffee he'd make me everyday. We were like a married couple already! This was heavenly for me! I was having the most wonderful end of Summer! His doctor picked him up to take him to the hospital but this conversation! I was having too much fun!
Aug 21, 2018

He insisted to pick me up


:-( so you owe me now hmmmmmm how shall I make you pay???

I doooooo :(


Mexican restaurant?

Chick fill A?

Or your choice

I can’t believe I ever went to Chick Fil a again?! That’s where that lieutenant took me! No some place nicer so I can wear my red dress ;-) better to tease you with XD

Wellllllllll... You don't have to worry.. my DVD player works :P


I’ll go break it now!

You’ve forced my hand bringing out the red dress XD Here I am with men begging to come in my hotel room- luring me to their house to watch a movie on their broken DVD player and here this man’s in my house three weeks I keep telling him the doors open.....I must be losing my touch- I’m too old lol


No no not at all

And no need for the red dress


I will make you coffee

He was killing me! And I was HAPPY. I never in my life came on to a man, there was never a need to! Plus I was always a "good girl", but this was fun and it was innocent fun- until the 27th that is.

Then I got him to come look at the moon
The moon is full! :-) it’s pretty
You're telling me now?
Just after I got in bed
My lazy self is wondering wether i she see it or not
I just saw it get up come see ;-)
I'm literally under the blanket :/
You better give me 20 $
Okay it’ll still be pretty tomorrow and we’ll be all alone! XD
Damn! You really don't wanna split that 40 $ with me Huh?
I just got into bed again.. you better not make me get up again XD
Not tonight but maybe tomorrow ;-)
Nah tomorrow I just won’t let you go to bed ;-)
Adds to review:

Let's guests sleep on the sofa
Who said anything about sleeping?? you gotta give in man! Hell hath no fury like a redhead scorned XD
* goes to Google *
Uh oh please don’t google redhead!!!! I’ll be sooooo jealous lol

 A friend of his passed away in a car wreck while he was here which was very sad and then we had an argument about my Flight of Ideas
that night which I knew he was saying in reference to me being BiPolar

Hey if it doesn’t rain we can have our coffee on the porch in the morning
If i wake up early enough
It would be nice
You’re awake now come see the moon :-) maybe I’ll give up I’m trying too hard - never mind good night!
Flight of ideas
 Stop it you! Seriously would you have thought me BiPolar if I hadn’t told you? Be honest I can handle it
Hmmmm... As in bipolar no
But i noticed your mood shifts easily... Which is common with women.. So i would have thought itis just normal female hormones effects
What am I then doctor? And furthermore I am Not manic right now if I was I’d be in your room!!!! Just saying
Hahahaha... As i said.. I would have thought you have a Normal variant in female emotions
And hey... I sense a hint of sarcasm in your " doctor"
Ok thanks I guess I’m just your normal average female with just a hint of sarcasm
I didnt say anything about you :/

I was talking about your emotional stability if it is bipolar or not
I feel your okay is not really okay with what i said
It’s okay but it’s late and I’m tired so I’ll see you in the morning
Now I'm even more convinced it is not ok
Perhaps your more perceptive than I thought
Meanie Airbnb host
That’s me
But still makes good food
August 24th
I guess you slept...

I will talk to you tomorrow then
How much do you hate me now?  
I don’t hate you how much do you hate me for being over emotional?
I don't hate you ofc
I wanna talk to you about something... Tomorrow?
What? Now I won’t sleep
Too long to type
And it would take sometime
Again with your scary okays XD
And you with your scary I wanna talks
We talk everyday
Talking is the norm :p

Sooooooo you know what the bombshell was he laid on me the next morning? Right before getting out of the car at the hospital he told me he was a virgin and saving himself for his wife! I believed him because of how Saudi is because of Islam. He seemed so sincere, really! And I think it may have been true (he had not been with a woman) but I'm not sure. He told me a story even of going to Bahrain with his friends, so they could.....but he said he didn't and he just watched TV in the other room and listened to them and teased them later about the sounds they made- this made it more believable. He said he'd never been so tempted as he was by me and to go "easy on him" and I was convicted and resolved (To stop teasing him) even though I had fallen-  (in love) hard. I said "It's against my religion too"And to be totally honest I know it was wrong either way to have sex outside of marriage but I didn't feel as bad about it when I realized how he had decieved me and that he probably wasn't a virgin at all.

I wore my red dress at Christmas and I never wore it for him......

Then we talked about getting condoms but he also wanted to cover his new text book so we ended up with the code word for condoms as "contact paper".  He would say, "don't get the contact paper, lets be good." He was purposely driving me mad! He said it wouldn't be right for us to sleep together and him go back to Saudi cause that'd just be "using you."I told my friend that we seemed to have the same reasoning me "for" (go ahead use me) and him "against" as he was pretending to be so saintly! I couldn't really see this working for long term (That's why I asked him if he wanted kids) he needed a "child bearing wife" but I selfishly wanted him now and told him I'd been through so much and just had two "assholes" my whole life and he should take me on as a charity case. lol (I'm very persuasive huh?) Later I thanked him for taking on my charity case and he sweetly replied, "shut up".

But then we spent two nights sitting up on the sofa! For real! I was throughly enjoying myself. Mohamad was a perfect gentleman, so I thought. He wouldn't even kiss me, which was very disappointing really! We'd sit on the porch for alittle while, come in and sit on the sofa almost til my night shift nurse came in from work at 8:30 am! Then when I'd finally taken my medicine and was getting sleepy, he'd lay his head in my lap! But something weird happened on the the monday after he layed the virgin bombshell on me (Friday) and I pretended not to notice how long he was on the phone with his "friend" but I keep a journal and I wrote: "He was on the phone for three hours!" (I could hear him too but since they spoke in Arabic I didn't know what they were saying) And then I feel he sorta slipped because I didn't like, at all, a question he said his good friend asked him, "Did the MILF rape you yet?" WAIT WHAT? How do you not know what a "Cougar" is but you know what a MILF is? Plus that I would "rape" a man was very offensive to me! I questioned him about how'd he know, that I was a mom, what I looked like ETC. From Airbnb and that he was such a close friend that his fingerprint would open his phone! There were other things too that showed me the dicotomy of Mohamad but hey I'm that way too! We were both about to go against our respective religions. So who am I to judge? I still had my rose clored glasses on too, when he sent me the video of Russell Peters a raunchy Indian comedian.

And it just so happened that we finally did......the day after his three hour phone call! I think now that this "friend" is actually his partner but he was coaching him on how to get me to give in cause if I did I'd be so ashamed I'd keep quiet if it fell through. IDK really, it's all speculation. But it is why I'm sharing this "Kiss and Tell" story. I was upset when I realized it was fake but I also laughed alot. One movie we also watched was "Runaway Bride" LOL I talked about his "child bearing" wife so much he said it was my "signature saying" I had asked him if he wanted children and he said he did but he also was talking about how in Saudi men are allowed to have more than one wife. I said, "Do you agree with that?" He said in certain instances when the first wife couldn't have kids. WHAT? Everyday he'd go to the hospital and I'd go to Google, I remember the day I found out how much the prophet Mohammad loved his first wife who was much older than him! It was all like a fricken set up! Unreal! 

I was up all night writing this blog post and I forgot to tell you something!
The day after we actually.....He did not go to the hospital! Which was weird, then we went to the Mexican Restaurant again and he wanted to go back to CVS and he went in and wouldn't tell me what he was getting, not contact paper AKA condoms we had already got those. He got me the HIV test! (I said this in the other blog post) He said he didn't want me to think I thought he thought I was "unclean" so he was going to get it after we had sex or on his last day! Isn't this crazy? It had been a whole year since the rape and I've been donating plasma- so....Was I concerned right after the rape? Of course, but I was not concerned about it any longer. Also interesting to note: He wanted to use the condoms if we did but was back and forth like he wanted to be "good" but wanted to....it was insane what this man put me through! And I believed he was a virgin like he said and I'm 52 and can't get pregnant hadn't had sex in a year and that was the second man I had sex with- we did not need a condom and he acted like he thought I could get pregnant (I just went along with this) but he's a fricken doctor! He knew I couldn't get pregnant! He did not trust me and I should not have trusted him. When he was gone and I thought he might show up in October and ask me to marry him, at that time I would have said, "Yes" So I PRAYED: LORD IF THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE DONT LET HIM SHOW UP NOW because I KNEW how weak I was at that moment, we had bonded over the course of the month and I believe GOD ANSWERED ME! THANK-YOU JESUS!

 Messages even after he left:

Hows lyft?

I got a ride yesterday after exercising before Ian texted

Nice nice
Keep it up
Today cleaning applying to BioLife Then driving


Ops... This arm emojie doesnt have a tattooo
Yes sir! I don’t want to let you down

Good obedient opressable woman (Yes he actually said this!)

Or have to ask for money

No you won't need
That’s me!

Have faith in you
Strong american woman
Who carries water boxes alone
I’d be Handy to keep around huh?

Nah.. you dont know how to make my coffee

You were too spoiled to know how you make one


Im gonna go cry on my mom shoulder (Yeah right, I wondered if he even really has a family after I found out about his deceit)

I had my icky coffee today and I missed you terrible

America is scary mooooom
Someone is addicted to my coffee
You and your coffee

 I think my favorite thing about Taylor's Look What You Made Me Do
 video is the way she pokes fun at herself (Not her first time doing this either) with her different personas at the end arguing with each other. I think it's brilliant and Taylor has the last laugh- all the way to the bank! 

"Stop acting all nice! You are so fake!"  Taylor Swift

Red runs til she’s blue
Can’t be true
What to do?
I want to run free of you! 
Drive for Uber
Drive for Lyft
Donate blood plasma
I need noone but 
I want to be independent 
But I want to travel
Buy stuff for my Airbnb Home
Tax write off
Look pretty walk tall
Don’t fall! 
Or Go bankrupt 
Past go
Go slow
Pay it off
Save it up
Work it girl!
Will prosper 
And be free at last

I'm a Little Tea Pot
The Pot and the Kettle
They were the best of friends,
Until that day,
The kettle called the pot black,

The Pot said, Oh I'm so sorry about that!  
I'll do better, I know I can 
She cooked better and grew hotter 
While the Kettle sat and watched 
Then the Kettle turned green 
She talked behind the Pot's back 
Saying how she was so horrible and black 
It was time for the Pot to give her the sack  
But just like the ball and chain she always took her back  
How can the Kettle learn about her lack 
If the Pot always enables her like that?

The RED Queen

I was a broken thing

With a broken wing

There's  a scream inside we all try to hide

Playing with the Queen of hearts isn't smart

I won't  play your mind games anymore

Just like playing with fire

I don't care if I sing off key

I sing for love I sing for me

I will fight to be free

On the darkest days

when I feel inadequate, unloved and unworthy

I will sing to my King

Who says,

I got this-

I'm on your side

I will contend with those who contend with you

And save your children!


I love you!

Even when your crown's askew!

The Room of Broken Things

There's a music box, a CooCoo Clock, a lock, my heart...

A toy plane, a train, a shattered picture frame, my brain...

A car, a truck, my luck

There's a hole in the wall, a deflated soccer ball, a ceramic tea cup, a tore up book, my nook

There's a tennis racket, a bike, a rocking horse and of course

My family....:-(

She's Crazy!

Goody Two Shoes

Yes I love my hair do

And my tattoos

Sorry to disappoint you

I'm still a goody Two shoes

I don't smoke, drink or chew

No I won't sleep with you

I don't have a long list of ex lovers

They'll tell you I'm insane

But I just love Jesus

It's that simple and plain


No more crying
No more buying
No more lying
I'm done trying
All of me is frozen
Forgotten on a shelf
I will no longer let them in
I won't be mad
I won't be sad
If you can beat 'em, join 'em
I've exhausted myself trying to tear down their walls 
Now I will build my own
It will be higher, stronger and better than theirs

With a tiny door to let Love through

Because He's the only One that's true

Perhaps one day a human being will love me too? 

Bedtime Stories with Red
I know God sent you here
For a blessing or a lesson.
So Welcome to Red's!
It's a comfortable bed
Like sleeping on a cloud
A powerful shower
To peel the paint off a Volvo
Cupcakes and M&Ms
Chicken Pot Pie or Pot Roast
Coffee or tea
Sit by the fire talk to me,
Wana hear a story?
About the Syrian who stole my heart
The Russian who slept on my porch
The Chinese exchange student who solved my rubix cube
My JLo who was filled with wisdom
The Millionaire who wouldn't buy my book
The adorable actor who played John Wilkes Boothe
The model and author who stops sex trafficking
Blue can tell you about her boring hotel
But Red's is much more fun and cheaper too!
With better and healthier food for you!
You'll hear about my Georgia Tech boys
How they could eat!
The Airmen and workers,
Gladys and the nurse with the stuff
Sweet Jenny whose car I scratched
The heartbroken marine
The lady with one leg and two names,
My Superhost friend escaped from Flo
The fair girls were here for the hurricane too 
Cannabis lady and her dog Dude!
They warned me about my beau
Now I say, Thank-you!
Two guys booked for Valentines Day
But I scared them away.....
Southern Hospitality from a Southern Cally lady
Ya All Come back now, ya hear?

Look for these and more poems in

my upcoming book , RED: Redeemed- Equipped-Delivered

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